Lane White, Part Two

BJU, 1984-1989

On Wednesday, Lane White told the first part of his story. Today, we present its stirring conclusion.

LaNeece (Lane) White

LaNeece (Lane) White

Exile . . . A lonely spirit, wandering in a wasteland of hot, scorching winds of condemnation and rejection. My immediate years after BJU were rife with feelings of failure and rejection. I took my rejection by BJU as a personal failure, I wasn’t good enough to get it done. Academic failure. My marriage failed miserably after only one year, which certainly came as no great shock, but it was a failure nonetheless. Relationship failure. I began running around, sowing those proverbial wild oats. Using people for temporary solace or pleasure or just as a distraction. Moral failure. I quit going to church, the seething anger that would come over me, the feeling of betrayal and rejection really knocked me off my rails. It made sitting through a church service impossible. Spiritual failure. With so many bullets in my gun, it wasn’t difficult to take aim and hit dead center at the worthlessness that enveloped me. I knew I couldn’t change who I was (been there, tried that, didn’t work), but I couldn’t overcome the pounding of my upbringing, the sermons, the unstated undercurrent that everyone knows in an Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) setting, you can do a-l-m-o-s-t anything, but you can’t be THAT . . . It is surely the sin unto death or at least that is the way it is handled, spiritual leprosy. So, I took on a self imposed spiritual exile, trying for the most part, to “be good”, but never intersecting with a faith community, for my protection and theirs. It was a dry, barren, fruitless existence.

But then . . .

Love . . . A small tender shoot, stubbornly pushes itself through the tough shell of a seed thought long ago dead and unsalvageable. After far too many unsatisfying “relationships” and interludes too short to even be considered, I began to assume that I would never have that soul bonding relationship of myth, fairy tale and my grandparents. Perhaps that was the burden of my orientation, my identity. At some point I came to accept that this may well be my lot in life. But then, to quote Scripture, “It came to pass” that this beautiful, amazing woman by happenstance (or was it, hmmmmm) waltzed into my life through a series of unlikely events. It wasn’t long before I vowed to myself that I would be devoted to her for as long as she was willing. That was 20 years ago, and she is still willing — most days (lol). Mind you, she is no puppet and we have our differences. I am fairly convinced that I probably fail and disappoint her far too often, yet, I think; no, correction, I KNOW, that God put her in my life. Never has anyone been as supportive and a truer partner than her. I believe God knew the salve that was needed to heal and mend the brokenness within both of us. He knew we would be knit together, to raise a daughter and create a home. Has it always been sunshine and roses? Hardly. But you know, you need rain, and night, and struggle, and sometimes even fight, to really grow, to appreciate the sunshine and roses when the time comes. God knew the constancy of her presence, the steadfastness of her love for me, and her sheer endurance to put up with me was what I needed to heal, to be whole again, to show me that HE was that kind of God and that while I may not always succeed, I wasn’t a failure. It was people that had done all the damage, not Him, it was not of Him. I came to recognize that God loved me, not because of who I am, but WHOSE I am.

Restoration

Lane (LaNeece) White Baby Photo

Lane (LaNeece) White as a Baby – “fearfully and wonderfully made”

Recovery . . . The delicate whiff of a new flower’s bouquet, the tinge of green as the promise of of Spring slowly wakes a dormant world into a vibrant cacophony of color and new life. As long as my healing process took, the restoration of my spiritual life was comparatively rapid. I began to search, seeking to find out once and for all whether to submit to the trash in my head or embrace the truth in my heart. Having grown up in an IFB environment, attending a Christian school through junior high, and attending church nearly every time the doors were open, I was thoroughly immersed in Christian doctrine. I believed that “once saved, always saved”, but struggled with the belief that you can’t be gay and a Christian. After all, everybody is taught about the “reprobate mind,” early and often. So, my renewal HAD to begin with with answer to this question. Am I intentionally and willfully broken, or am I fearfully and wonderfully made? Am I indeed a valued and necessary part of the body of Christ, or merely the surgically removed appendix? My personal turning point came around 4 or 5 years ago. I found and listened to a sermon on the Roman centurion. The message changed me, it opened my eyes, and I have never been the same since. I find it curious that every example in the Gospels where Jesus came across someone in need, He didn’t sit there and tell them all the things they needed to do to get right before they could come to Him. In that particular case, regarding the Centurion and his pais, Christ didn’t even mention the need for the Gentile Roman centurion to become a follower and quit sinning. He simply healed his pais*, his entomos doulos*, and then told the crowd that they should follow the centurion’s example of faith. Not even an honorable mention of “Go forth and sin no more.” If Jesus didn’t feel compelled to condemn this man’s same-sex, intimate relationship, and He is the same yesterday, today and forever, then He isn’t condemning me either. Since then, like Peter asking Jesus to not just wash his feet, but his whole body, I have thrown myself back into communion with Jesus and am daily amazed at the grace afforded me. My desire to learn about what the Bible really says about being LGBT, and what God wants from us and for us drives me forward, seeking the full recovery and restoration made possible through Jesus. The flood of joy that comes with knowing that I am loved and wanted by God, that I was made according to His plan for a specific purpose leads me to . . .

The Future . . .Sometimes yet unsteady, but growing stronger daily, I find myself, facing the sunrise, bright and powerful, the warmth beginning to creep through me, bathing me in a brand new day. For far too long, the Bible has been used as a weapon of destruction and degradation. Think about this: the church condemned people to death for believing the earth was round, they burned people as witches for being left- handed or having red hair, Black people were regarded as savages, sub-human, deserving of slavery, interracial couples were ostracized for being in a relationship contrary to Scripture (sound familiar?). The laundry list of where “religion” got it wrong is littered with atrocities and disregard for human rights, yet in the name of God and with selective and out-of-context Scriptural reference to back their play, it is still happening. The message of rejection so vehemently proclaimed from pulpits, classrooms and even homes only serves to chase people away from the cross and God’s grace. SHAMEFUL. It certainly doesn’t match the message of Jesus and His sacrifice. Religion, and specifically the more virulent fundamentalist, has willfully ENDORSED the wholesale rejection and condemnation of an entire class of people, literally pushing them out of the house of God, claiming, “The foot of the cross is full, and there is no room for the likes of you.” The message they seem hell bent to deliver is that “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever — unless you are LGBT, then you’re in a special category: God doesn’t love you, and you are going straight to hell. Go away. You make me uncomfortable. Quit pushing your ‘gay agenda’ on me, it disrupts my ability to push my bigotry onto you — believes in Him shall not perish, but shall have everlasting life.”

Brothers and sisters, wherever you are in your life and spiritual journey, the tide is turning! No longer are we relegated to the shadows of doubt and fear. The clanging cymbals of rejection are beginning to be drowned out. We have come so far, but to rest now is not an option. It has never been easy to rise up on the side of right and swim against the current when it seems that everyone around you screams that you are wrong. Then again, Jesus never promised us an easy path. He did, however, promise to walk it with us. He never promised popularity, but He does offer comfort for the persecuted. Jesus stood alone in the end, the religious right of the day called for His blood, which He gave. He calls us to be willing to follow His example. Do we have the faith to be that brave? This is by no means an easy journey. There are still days I struggle with the “trash in my head.” But I can’t, I won’t, sit by quietly and be an accomplice to the condemnation and spiritual exile of my brothers and sisters. There is simply too much at stake.

* pais and entimos doulos are the two Greek words used in the parallel acounts in Matthew 8 and Luke 7. When cross referenced to each other, the “servant” in the original Greek would have been referred to as a most special, highly honored, and dear servant. The language of the day provides a clear case that this relationship was of a very personal nature and carried sexual overtones.

9 comments

  1. Nancy M says:

    The awaited-rest of the story”! Yup, I think we’re related, Lane. 🙂 your story touches me.. You have come far and I am reminded by you of God’s daily grace for us. I love how that grace is played out in your life as He brought one to love you, to help bring you to Himself.

  2. Hope Carey says:

    Wow Lane Wow. I struggle with faith a lot and wandering if I’m condemned for being gay. Thank you for writing. Thank you for being you!

  3. Jon says:

    I’m so glad you found peace with who God made you to be. Your story is such a blessing because, despite so much negativity and condemnation by the self-righteous, God has made a way through it all for you–and what a joyful way too! Thank you for sharing.

  4. Your mention of the Roman Centurion and the Greek terms, got my curiosity going, and upon searching for more information, got a much needed boost from that story and others to help me through the end of what has been a difficult couple of weeks. Thank you.

  5. Annette says:

    Lane,
    Your story touched me more than You could know. You are a beautiful writer, and would love to read anythinng else you write. God has blessed you greatly with your wife of 20 years. What dedication to one another.
    God bless to You both!
    Annette

  6. Annette says:

    Lane, I can feel the deep emotions of your past (and the effects) in your writing. I’m so sorry you were treated so poorly and felt such pain. May you feel God’s love and the embrace of love and acceptance each and every day. Thank you for sharing your story.