BJUnity

Jim Davis

It’s true that hindsight is 20/20. All the signs were there. I should have known. It seems like just about everyone else knew. Figuring out that you’re gay when you’re forty-one years old is quite a shock. I had never had sex with a man, never had sex with a woman other than my wife of eighteen years. Actually she was the only person I had ever kissed! Because that’s what we were supposed to do, right? Later, guys would ask me, “you experimented, right?” Umm, no. My journey to self-awareness started just after I turned thirty-nine, but I didn’t know it at the time. I just knew that something inside of me finally broke.

It was just after my family and I piled back in the limousine to be taken from the gravesite back to the church. Mom had passed away at fifty-nine, and there was a large torn gash where my heart had been. Her very BJU/Fundy marriage had been a farce. After years of praying for my dad (M. Div. BJU) to be the kind of husband that God wanted him to be, she began to pray that she would die. Divorce was not an option. I had gotten a phone call saying that I should come to Atlanta (where Mom was in the hospital) because things weren’t looking so good. I left Greenville immediately, but when I arrived she had already passed away. During my brief time alone with her, the first words out of my mouth were “Well, Mom, your prayers have been answered.”

The realities of mortality have a way of kicking us right in the stomach. My mother always looked forward to some day when she would have the perfect life, the perfect husband, the perfect house, time to travel, a beautiful ray of sunshine on her soapsuds… and none of that happened. Again, I didn’t exactly know what that meant for me at the time, but I determined that I would not waste my life in a hopeless situation.

Fast forward a couple of years, and a stronger internet connection. I knew there were things that excited me sexually, but I just thought I was naughty. There was no way I could be gay. I was married! And had three children! And went to Bob Jones! And played the piano. And was made fun of for being a sissy. And really, REALLY liked Barbra Streisand. And musical theatre… Uh oh. Of course, subtlety not being my strong suit, it wasn’t until I was out of town on business when I went to see Brokeback Mountain that I FINALLY realized “I’m gay!” I totally identified with the Ennis character, knowing who and what he loved, but staying in that closet. That was in December of 2006.

Through a few bizarre coincidences, I thought that my secret had been discovered. Time for some damage control. I had my own business as a church business consultant, and I was a part-time Minister of Music at a church. My wife was the choir pianist. I needed to come out to my Minister, which I did one afternoon before the staff meeting. He was very supportive. When he asked what I intended to do, I said I didn’t know. He offered to help me find some counseling which I gratefully accepted. My initial thoughts were that I would pretend like nothing was “wrong” and stay with my wife and family until our youngest child graduated from high school (she was 11 at the time). But now I had a secret, I was living a lie, and I couldn’t stand it. Every day I would come home from work, go to my bedroom, and sit in my recliner. I would join the family for dinner, but I would immediately return to my room afterwards. I thought I was having a heart-attack. The stress over keeping this secret would soon kill me. When I actually got to see my counselor, he asked the same thing as my pastor did. “What do you intend to do?” I confessed my confusion and asked for his advice. He said that I could stay in my marriage and act like nothing was wrong, probably being very miserable and unhealthy, or I could transition to life as a gay man and father. I guess in light of the lesson learned from my mother’s life, my destination was set. I just needed to figure out how to do it.

In April I made the dramatic leap of leaving my wife and children, without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done. I gave my wife lots of reasons, but not the big one. I was afraid that she would blow my cover and I would lose my business. The children reacted very differently: the oldest laughed, the middle one got angry, and the youngest simply stood in front of me and silently cried. That day my heart was broken for a second time.

Although it often felt like I was treading very deep water and getting very tired, I “kept the faith.” I KNEW that despite what folks around me were telling me, that I was doing the RIGHT thing. I met several middle-aged gay men who were formerly married and had children, and from their stories I had hope that things would work out. I knew that things would probably get worse before they got better, and they did, but I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. It was NOT a train. It was a life of honesty and integrity, something I had always struggled for in the past but could never achieve. But first, I had to come clean with my wife, and I didn’t know how I would ever be able to do that. I ended up with no choice.
Just before I came out to my minister, I came out to my best friend (a BJU grad and a fundamentalist!). We had known each other for over twenty-five years, and we had become fairly close over the past ten years. When I told him “You know I really, REALLY like Barbra Streisand,” he said that it was OK. That my being gay wouldn’t change anything about our relationship. What a huge relief. Of course, that was before I decided to leave my family. After I left them, he said that while he still loved me as a friend, he didn’t agree with me breaking my marriage vows. He said she needed to know the real reason that I left her, then said “You tell her or I’ll tell her.” Well, I told her, and it was probably just as awkward as you might imagine. “How do you know?” I just know. “Have you had sex with a man?” No. “Then how can you know?” I just do. “You can’t be sure.” I am. Ugh. It was awful for me, but in hindsight it was a tremendous relief for her.
Telling the kids was much easier. They all took it in stride in their own ways, and have always been supportive. My son was initially angry with me, not because I was gay, but because I had been lying to him. I promised him that day that I would NEVER lie to him again. Honesty and integrity, remember?

I’ll fast forward through my losing a church accounting job because “things just weren’t working out”; through nine months of unemployment when I couldn’t pay alimony and child support and was threatened with jail time; through a year of working a temp job when I grossed $600, took home $500, paid alimony and child support of $400, and gas was $4 a gallon. Ugh. I told you things would get worse before they got better.

Two and a half years ago I was hired as a Controller for a small mechanical engineering company. A perk was a company car. After about six months of employment, I had met someone online and invited him to come to Greenville for a few days. While he was in town, we were headed out one day when the car broke down. I called my boss who said he would come immediately to my rescue. I told my guest that my boss couldn’t see him, that he would have to walk back to my house and wait for me there. Yes, I really did that. Well, the next week the feelings of guilt over my behavior were so strong, I knew I had to come out to my boss. When I told him that I’m gay, he said “So? I thought you were going to quit.” He smiled and said that my job would never be in jeopardy because of my sexual orientation. Once again, the relief of telling the truth, shedding the layers of deceit, was incredible!

By this time, just about everyone knew that I was gay. I was the organist at a Catholic church, and while most people knew, it was NEVER discussed. Then I coordinated the start of a gay men’s chorus in town, and I became the first Artistic Director. In advance of our first public performance there was an article about us in the newspaper with my headshot. The article was published on a Sunday, the priest was confronted by a parishioner on Monday, and I was fired on Tuesday. Quite a blow to a still-recovering financial plan, but survivable. The best thing was that I was now COMPLETELY out: no secrets from anyone, no awkward phone calls in the presence of others, no editing every word out of my mouth. For the first time in forty-six years, I could BE the genuine me.

The chorus is now just over a year old, we have 20 singers and are preparing for our fourth major concert. We have partnered with local LGBT groups and a portion of all of our ticket proceeds is donated to them. We are all about “paying it forward.” I proudly wear my PRIDE of GREENVILLE Men’s Chorus t-shirt around town, and I have had nothing but positive reaction to it.

Looking now to the future, I see a bright horizon. My children know what it’s like to live honestly even when it’s difficult. They know I love them dearly. I have many great friends, including my former wife (who occasionally plays the piano for the chorus). I have a new church music position. (My first conversation with the pastor went like this: “I’m an out homosexual. Do you have a problem with that?” “No. We can’t pay you much, do you have a problem with that?” In fact my new church has provided a permanent rehearsal space and concert space for the men’s chorus!) I know that through my struggle, the lives of my children and friends will be better. Some how. Some day. Some where. I think Mom would be proud.