Since we began our series of “People of lgbt-BJU.org” posts, we have been hearing from a number of people who may not yet be prepared to tell their stories publicly for various reasons, often involving sensitive family situations. We published one such letter a short time ago. Another reader recently wrote to us in a similar vein. With his permission, we are reprinting his letter here. We encourage anyone who needs a person to talk to about similar circumstances to write to us at firstname.lastname@example.org. Your inquiries are confidential and will be treated with compassion and dignity.
As Breathe Carolina throbbed in my chest today with their dubstep-inspired awesomeness, I realized that their words apply perfectly in my life right now: “I’m only getting started…”
It’s never been easy, that’s for sure. What with being gay and all. Especially in a conservative family, in a conservative southern city, all the while attending an extremely conservative school my whole life. I mean, honestly there have been times when I’ve wanted to end it all, but it was not my time to go. I still have a life to live. “…I won’t blackout…”
Staying motionless, watching all my classmates fall in love really defeated me. Cause there I am, stuck wondering if it’s really all that wrong to love someone like they do — and then I immediately repent of the thought and ask forgiveness. The pendulum swing from being 100% Gay to 100% Christian grew more powerful each time, till one day I found myself in a nearby city getting sexual pleasure from a stranger and then wanting to kill myself from guilt the next day. Something had to change, but with being fully gay and fully Christian, nothing was going to budge easily. “…This won’t stop till I say so…”
Supposedly, from the Christian counseling I already had, I was realistically doomed to be single for the rest of my life. Especially since subjecting a woman to an attraction-less relationship would just be cruel. But was that my only option? With no real friends, no support, and no idea of where to look for answers, I finally reached out to an online group called GCN, the Gay Christian Network. “…This time I’ve got nothing to waste…”
The interesting thing about GCN is the opposing viewpoints, usually in two camps between those that are celibate, and those that are pursuing same-sex relationships (with God’s blessing). They encourage people to ask questions, be teachable, and form their own solid conclusions about how to live as a gay Christian. All I had was questions, and their wildly varying answers just made me dizzy trying to comprehend what was really true. But after six months of searching, I finally had my answers.
I’m still 100% gay and 100% Christian, which doesn’t make me very many friends in either camp. But what’s different now is that I’m not attacking myself. I know God doesn’t hate me for being gay, because I know Christ bled on that cross for me too, just as I am. I know I will discover His beautiful plan for my future, and if I’m lucky, a wonderful relationship on the horizon. “…I’m on my way…”
I’m only getting started. This is only the first chapter in my life, and I’m stronger and better for it.
Gay in Greenville