Since we began our series of “People of lgbt-BJU.org” posts, we have been hearing from a number of people who may not yet be prepared to tell their stories publicly for various reasons, often involving sensitive family situations. We published one such letter a short time ago. Another reader recently wrote to us in a similar vein. With his permission, we are reprinting his letter here. We encourage anyone who needs a person to talk to about similar circumstances to write to us at lgbt.bju@gmail.com. Your inquiries are confidential and will be treated with compassion and dignity.
Gay in Greenville (anonymous)
Dear Editor,
As Breathe Carolina throbbed in my chest today with their dubstep-inspired awesomeness, I realized that their words apply perfectly in my life right now: “I’m only getting started…”
It’s never been easy, that’s for sure. What with being gay and all. Especially in a conservative family, in a conservative southern city, all the while attending an extremely conservative school my whole life. I mean, honestly there have been times when I’ve wanted to end it all, but it was not my time to go. I still have a life to live. “…I won’t blackout…”
Staying motionless, watching all my classmates fall in love really defeated me. Cause there I am, stuck wondering if it’s really all that wrong to love someone like they do — and then I immediately repent of the thought and ask forgiveness. The pendulum swing from being 100% Gay to 100% Christian grew more powerful each time, till one day I found myself in a nearby city getting sexual pleasure from a stranger and then wanting to kill myself from guilt the next day. Something had to change, but with being fully gay and fully Christian, nothing was going to budge easily. “…This won’t stop till I say so…”
Supposedly, from the Christian counseling I already had, I was realistically doomed to be single for the rest of my life. Especially since subjecting a woman to an attraction-less relationship would just be cruel. But was that my only option? With no real friends, no support, and no idea of where to look for answers, I finally reached out to an online group called GCN, the Gay Christian Network. “…This time I’ve got nothing to waste…”
The interesting thing about GCN is the opposing viewpoints, usually in two camps between those that are celibate, and those that are pursuing same-sex relationships (with God’s blessing). They encourage people to ask questions, be teachable, and form their own solid conclusions about how to live as a gay Christian. All I had was questions, and their wildly varying answers just made me dizzy trying to comprehend what was really true. But after six months of searching, I finally had my answers.
I’m still 100% gay and 100% Christian, which doesn’t make me very many friends in either camp. But what’s different now is that I’m not attacking myself. I know God doesn’t hate me for being gay, because I know Christ bled on that cross for me too, just as I am. I know I will discover His beautiful plan for my future, and if I’m lucky, a wonderful relationship on the horizon. “…I’m on my way…”
I’m only getting started. This is only the first chapter in my life, and I’m stronger and better for it.
Sincerely,
Gay in Greenville
5 comments
GCN was a starting point for me as well. I’m glad to hear it helped you too! Blessings on your journey!
Thank you for sharing your story. It will get easier with time. You will come to recognize yourself as the Child of God that you are–guiltless, blameless, innocent.
Dear Gay in Greenville:
I’m here, too, and I know exactly what you’re dealing with. My pendulum has swung several times with extremes at each end. As of this writing, it’s swinging back from a very extreme lunge to the right where a life of loveless celibacy was all I had to look forward to. The problem that I found there is that as we were taught in Apologetics, the very existence of the Trinity as an ontological necessity proves that we are not created to be alone. God, himself, was not even alone from the beginning. Amazingly, my professor thought his words would confirm his position for us; however, it opened up the reality of another position. In fact, all the “Bi” classes (401, 402 and 499) began to open my mind rather than keep it shielded and closed. I don’t think they were expecting that response.
With that said, I do understand that being 100% gay and 100% Christian is an anomaly to both sides of the table and I’m not sure that after living a large part of my life as an “out” gay man, and then going back into the closet to try to achieve “sexual wholeness” as a celibate “holy, not gay, but not straight” man, I’m still not sure that I’ve grasped it yet. It’s certainly a struggle and It doesn’t make for very good “getting to know you conversation.”
Thank you for your post. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in this, and I’m here to tell you, you’re not alone either.
JB
Dear JB,
I’m curious as to why you feel you can achieve “sexual wholeness” as a celibate person. It would seem to me that one achieves merely asexuality through this means if one achieves anything at all, besides sexual frustration. Celibacy can be a valid calling, but it is very difficult to do and most people simply are incapable of it. We only need to read Genesis 2:18 to get to the reason: “It is not good for a man to be alone.”
I acknowledge your choice to celibacy as a valid one for some people, but I think you will find that it is a requirement you make of yourself that is not made of you by a loving God, unless you are certain you are called to a life of celibacy for ministerial reasons. For more information about what I mean, I’m linking a very interesting article I read yesterday by a Roman Catholic theologian. It’s worth the read:
http://www.commonwealmagazine.org/alison
In any case, you’re not the only one who has gone this route. I did myself for a time. I’d be happy to discuss it with you, if you’d like.
Best,
Jeffrey Hoffman
provisional Executive Director
lgbt-BJU.org
GCN opened my mind to where my heart was already leading: open love and acceptance of my gay brothers and sisters in Christ, and by extension all gay people as beloved by God. Though I am straight, and for twenty years a stalwart evangelical, I have long wanted to accept and love gay people in my heart. My head would get in the way,troubled by the Bible passages I had been taught condemned homosexuality. It was a conflicting place to be, and very unsatisfying.
GCN finally cleared those passages up for me, and in ways that made real sense. The DVD “Through My Eyes” destroyed any lingering confusion in my heart for good. I am free to love all people, gay people included, and welcome my gay brethren, as God himself welcomes them. It feels so good to be free to love.