BJUnity

Jenni Frencham

Question: What do you do when a friend writes a note just to remind you that, though you haven’t talked about it for a while, she wants you to know that she still disapproves of your “lifestyle?” Jenni Frencham had just such a situation happen this week. We thought her response was so very well written that we wanted to share it with our readers. Jenni graciously agreed to offer it here as a resource for those who might find it helpful. Here is her letter in response to her friend’s:

Dear [Friend],

Because I value the friendship I’ve had with you for the past 15 years, I am going to be honest: your message to me was hurtful. Never once did I imagine that you had changed your opinion or beliefs, but I found it both rude and disappointing that you felt it necessary to reiterate those things to me. I did not ask you whether you had changed your mind, nor had I opened a debate about this issue. I think it’s pretty clear that neither of us is going to change the other’s opinion on homosexuality and gay rights.

There are likely many other things about which we disagree; in fact, probably when we were first becoming friends at Bob Jones we likely disagreed on some issues. Granted, there are more things about which we hold differing opinions now, but I have not seen a reason to let any of those other things get in the way of a longtime friendship. Never once have I thought it necessary to sit down and write a “Dear [Friend]” letter telling you which of your beliefs I find distasteful, and I don’t think it was necessary for you to do so, either.

Because we have been friends for so long, [Friend], I am going to reiterate something I’ve said countless times before (although not necessarily to you personally): there is no such thing as a “homosexual lifestyle” or a “lesbian lifestyle,” and the only reason to use those terms is if you want to guarantee that your LGBTQIA friend will be angry and not speak to you again. Please, PLEASE when you encounter other non-hetero-normative or gender-nonconforming people, do not use the term “lifestyle.” You do not have an issue with my lifestyle – which involves getting up early, feeding the cat, going to work, driving to my second job, coming home, eating dinner, doing household chores, sleeping, etc. None of that is any different from what millions of other people do every day. What you object to is my choice of life partner. What you object to is the person who shares my last name and my bed. You do not object to my orange cat, my grocery list, my library books, or the gas I put in my car – all things that are part of my “lifestyle.”

What you object to is the fact that I don’t agree with all of your rules – rules that you have somewhat arbitrarily chosen from a long list in an antiquated book written to people who did not share our modern “lifestyle” at all. I highly doubt you have a problem eating seafood, wearing clothing with mixed fabrics, speaking in church, or agreeing that slavery is wrong. All of these things are also forbidden in that same list. I doubt you’d want your children stoned when they are disobedient – that rule also appears in that list. I don’t think you’d want me to marry my rapist uncle – another thing I’d have to do if we all followed that list.

And you know what, [Friend]? That’s fine. I don’t mind that you want to follow that list of rules. It really doesn’t bother me, because what you do with your life is your business, and unless you are causing serious harm to another human being, I’m in no position to say anything about what you do. You didn’t ask my opinion about your lifestyle, so I haven’t given it. That is one of the things I love about living where I do – people can believe what they want and live how they want as long as they are not harming others. So if my coworker wants to believe in the literal existence of mermaids (she does), or one of my friends wants to believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster (yes, that is a thing), or my neighbor wants to celebrate Pagan holidays by lighting a bonfire in the forest and dancing around it, that’s fine. I don’t tell my coworker that I disagree about the existence of mermaids, or say anything about His Noodly Appendage, etc.

All of that being said, [Friend], if you want to continue to be friends with me and chat occasionally via Facebook, I would be fine with that. If you have decided our differences are irreconcilable and we need to stop being in contact, feel free to sever the link between our profiles and/or block me if necessary. If we are to remain friends, however, I will ask you to keep your opinions about my life choices to yourself, unless I have asked for them.

Jenni

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