BJUnity

Hope Carey

I was brought up in what looked from the outside like a very secure, devout, Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) home. But inside those four walls turmoil ran rampant. I have blocked most of my childhood, but I seem to remember more as time goes by, even without wanting or trying to remember. My dad worked hard to support five kids and my mom stayed home. She did have one job for a while, or so I’m told. I don’t remember a time in my life I was not being sexually abused by my oldest brother, who is now a registered sex offender. Yes, my sister and I told our parents, but I just remember being told to stay away from him. I remember being in a preacher’s office wondering why I was getting preached at.

Fast forward to seventeen: I ran away from home. Long story short, I started living with friends of a man I met at the grocery store I worked at. I went to Bob Jones University for one semester and he asked me to marry him. I dropped out of school, and my friends said if I wasn’t in school anymore I couldn’t stay with them. I moved to his aunt’s house, then in with his family. Got pregnant, and had no one to turn to and nowhere to go. He forced me to have an abortion. All I ever wanted was a baby and I couldn’t have her.

Several weeks later we got married. I knew in the bride’s room this wasn’t going to work, but had no choice. It wasn’t long before I gave in to my feelings and started looking at lesbian porn and chatting online. For as long as I can remember I looked at girls and was very jealous of lesbians.

Fast forward again: I stayed married for sixteen years, and had three beautiful girls who are now fifteen, ten and eight. By the end, he was talking to someone and I was talking to women. It ended abruptly but only because we were both looking for a way out. He found out I was seeing women and basically told me he would have me killed.

Three years have passed since the night he left. I have been to hell and back, but I’m happier now than I was for fifteen years in the picture perfect American family. We have even custody of the kids, I rent a beautiful home, and have done OK for my girls and me all by myself. I have had my heart broken so many times that lately it’s being held together with glue. Part of me is strong and independent, but part of me is that little girl dying inside for someone to take care of me, protect me and treat me like a princess. I’m working on getting healthy in every aspect.

I just started back to school online at Ashford University and work full time. I absolutely love my life. What I’ve been through makes me who I am today, and one day I hope to help one person and it will all be worth it. There’s so much more but I’ll stop for now. Thanks for reading!