BJUnity

ed. note: Yesterday, we published part one of Jared Porter’s amazing story. Today, we present its happy conclusion.

ACT II, SCENE 1: PRAYERS FOR CHANGE
(Flashback to college.)

My great-grandfather, Ford Porter, was referred to as “The Man of God Who Prayed.” He would preach through tears about how praying fervently would bend God’s heart. He spent hours in prayer each morning on his knees. And just as my great-grandfather prayed daily through tears to God, so did I pray – in full sincerity from the very core of my being, daily for years with tears in my eyes – that God would change me. And I prayed for victory over my “struggle.”

I used to frequent a prayer room in the basement of Johnson dormitory at BJU. It was dark and quiet there, and a welcomed change from the fast-paced campus. In the corner I would pray with tears in my eyes for as long as I could spare before my next scheduled obligation.

PROTAGONIST: (unable to sit still, squirms, wringing hands) Please, God. PLEASE! Help me. I can’t do this on my own. I’ve never felt so alone. So helpless. So scared. You know I don’t want this. You know I’m tormented by this. PLEASE TAKE “IT” AWAY! Please send me some help! I can’t go on much longer.

I couldn’t even refer to “it” by name to God. If I had been alone in a place where nobody else could hear me, I would have SCREAMED for God to help me.

Not one bit of me wanted this trait to remain a part of me. All through the day, when I’d pass a hot guy on campus (that darn hottie was another Antagonist), I’d pray. At bedtime, I would pray, usually through tears. If I didn’t start out praying, I’d be flooded with guilt and fears. Praying at least allowed me to fall asleep before that. This was EVERY DAY.

But change did not come. Victory did not come. Nothing happened except my constant fighting. This God that I believed cared for me and had the power to change me, or at the very least give me some sort of victory, even for a brief time, had not enabled any of this in my life.

PRAYER WAS NOT WORKING!

ACT II, Scene 2: “GETTING TO KNOW ME”

I was set so far back by the University’s teachings that during my college years, when everyone else is getting to know themselves and what they should do / where they should go, I got to know how to deny myself. I also got to be pretty good at ignoring the pain – a survival skill you kinda have to acquire at BJU. I don’t know how I made it through all 7 years alive. I really don’t.

I moved far away from my family and BJU as soon as I graduated. I needed time and space to figure this thing out. And for the first time, I allowed myself to question. If only I had help to figure this out. I needed to find peace of mind. So I stopped reading the Bible, I ignored the sermons at church, I stopped praying, and I stopped letting what my parents said on the phone get to me. And finally there was enough distance from the myriad of voices that I could begin to evaluate. And once I got there, I actually WANTED to ask God for an opinion. And though it took (SO MUCH) time, I could FINALLY hear God say,

KIND GOD: (whispering) You are truly made in my image – every part of you. I made you perfectly. I made you to love. Love fully.

And when I met my husband Fabio for the first time, I understood God’s nature far better than I had at any “revival” phase of my life. We were married this past summer in Washington, D.C.

ACT II, SCENE 3: GOD DELIGHTS IN LOVE

God delights when we love. And I love my husband. Not all gays are train wrecks like we are taught at BJU. But many have been conditioned to believe that because they are gay, they will have sex with every hot guy they meet, never establishing any long-lasting relationship.

If I had not chosen honesty, if I had not chosen to “separate” myself from all other influences for a time, I would have missed out on the greatest moments of my life.

Meeting Fabio changed my entire life. (Insert tremendous amounts of gushing.) I have never had a friend like him, never been so entirely loved, never been so supported. Fabio is my partner in everything. I am more grateful to God for Fabio than anything.

ACT II, SCENE 4: REBUILDING FAITH

The more BJU and IFB churches continue such fiery preaching, the more fear and spiritual slavery will follow. It’s time to acknowledge the harm done. It’s time to stop the hatred. It’s time to apologize. And it’s time to heal.

With or without an apology, I’m moving forward. As Jennifer Knapp said, I too am “trying to live the spiritual life that I’ve been called to, in whatever ramshackled, broken, frustrated way that I’ve always approached my faith.” 

I am grateful that I DO have a place to serve as pianist for my UCC church. We sing “Let There Be Peace on Earth” at the end of every service. My pastor (a woman!) said today that “love is contagious.” She continued to discuss the “cost of compassion.” What a difference from my past!

To be honest, I’m not exactly sure at this point what type of salvation is really necessary… And I have not given myself a deadline on when I will have that figured out. But I can say that the Jesus of the New Testament has been a constant source of strength for me. In that way, he has been constantly saving me from the darkness that tries to surround my soul when I let those issues from the past get to me. Maybe some day that darkness will be gone.

One of the hymn texts that has never let me go is “Our Great Savior.”

Jesus! What a FRIEND for sinners!
Jesus! LOVER of my soul;
Friends may fail me, foes assail me,
He, my Savior, makes me WHOLE.

Jesus! What a help in SORROW!
While the billows o’er me roll,
Even WHEN MY HEART IS BREAKING,
He, my comfort, helps my soul.

Hallelujah! What a Savior!
Hallelujah! What a Friend!
SAVING, HELPING, KEEPING, LOVING,
He is with me to…

…the end.

CURTAIN FALLS

ENCORE: SUPPORT

I just learned that a friend of mine tried to end his life very recently because of this same issue. I immediately began praying. Clearly God doesn’t want this to keep happening. Just praying isn’t enough. What are you doing to stop it?

We have a petition that will help. I was one of the first to sign the petition. Please sign. 

Rev. Mark Sandlin speaks much better than I do on this subject, so I recommend reading his article “Clobbering ‘Biblical’ Gay Bashing.” If you can get past the title, his discussion of context and word meanings of certain bible texts is straightforward and helpful. 

Friend, you do not have to go through this alone. I have a band of brothers (ed. note: and sisters) now who understand from experience. I have friends who know the truth about me and truly care for me. I have my “Tampa Family” that keeps growing. I have my UCC family. And I have God again. I am no longer alone. I just wish I had known of this support when I felt so alone and hopeless. You don’t have to feel like that. Reach out to us.

In the words of Stephen Sondheim:

Hard to see the light now
Just don’t let it go
Things will come out right now
We can make it so
Someone is on your side
No one is alone