Hey there, everybody. I am Rachel and I am a graduate of Bob Jones University. Like many of you, I grew up attending a fundamentalist Christian school and church. For as long as I have a memory, I have loved Jesus. As a child, it was easy to believe that Jesus, in turn, loved me. In all of the songs we sang and the verses that we memorized for Sunday school, the message repeated, yes, Jesus loves you. But as I grew older, that message became diluted. Jesus loves you, if you believe enough. Jesus loves you, if you read your Bible and pray every day. Jesus loves you, if you listen to the right kind of music and wear the right kind of clothes and keep the right kind of people as your friends. Jesus loves you, if…
The older I got, the more I learned at church and in Bible class and while sitting in chapel, the less convinced I became that God would want anything to do with me. Because, like so many of you, I had a secret, a silent, fearful burden that I could not share with anyone, that I could hardly name for myself. In secret, I began to study. I read the Bible. I read books I found at the public library. I went to coffee shops where no one could see my search history on the internet and I searched for help and cures for homosexuality on the web. I prayed and prayed and prayed, begging God to fix me. And, finally, I just gave up on God.
My freshman year at Bob Jones University, I attempted suicide twice. After those failings, I made a third plan, a plan that more than likely would have succeeded. My intentions were discovered and I was forced into spiritual counseling. During those sessions, I was given an ultimatum, that I would believe in God and Jesus or I would be expelled. At that time, for me, I could not see expulsion as an actual option. So, I stayed, I conformed, and I hid everything that was true about me.
In all of this, I felt alone. There was no one that I could talk to,
no one that I could reach out to for advice or counsel or help. Today, I am sharing my story so that you know that you are not alone. There are people who want to love you, want to know you, who want to offer hope and a future to you. You are not alone. And, yes, Jesus loves you.
10 comments
I can relate to that alone feeling. Even tho I came out to myself and a few people several years ago, I live in a very heterosexual world. The internet is my lifeline to any gay connections. Being married and having family commitments has me in a rather complicated situation.
My circumstances and search for truth about myself has brought me closer to God, as I have studied and learned His truth about being who I am. I have had to depend on His love to carry me thru times of family rejection. And I continue to trust His love as I look to what He will bring in my future.
And I was so suprised to find this site! happlily surprised. I hope it becomes a regualr part of my present and future.
Nancy, thank you for your reply to Rachel’s story. We want you to know you don’t have to stand alone anymore. You are loved and you are not alone. Our e-mail address is lgbt.bju@gmail.com. We are here to help. All communications are strictly confidential.
— Jeffrey Hoffman, Provisional Executive Director lgbt-BJU.org
The counsel given to you was “get saved or get out”? I’m simply…flabbergasted. And that in response to suicide attempts! I’m so, so sorry, Rachel. Thank you for adding your voice to such a wonderful cause. And thank God that He’s not who we were taught He is.
ditto! and Amen! to recognizing that we can learn God is not Who we were formerly taught!
Rachel, I’m so proud of you for the video you made and for sharing your story here. And I’m VERY glad that you failed at trying to end your life. You are and will be an inspiration to a lot of desperate and hurting people.
Rachel, as a former society sister and someone who thought you were (and are) a pretty awesome chick, I have two sort of conflicting responses to your story:
1: The current Me wishes I had known back then so I could have been there for you
2: I’m glad I didn’t know because I was such a self righteous bigot back then that I know I would have only driven you further into your despair :(.
Thank God you made it to where you are today and thank God I’m not who I was back then either. Know that you are loved and supported <3
Gwen, you are not alone in having been a former jerk. 🙂 I was right there with you! Thank God He has shown me the light! Now I can spot a legalist a mile away! And I can’t stand it. Must have been how Jesus felt around the Pharisees. It’s a wonder he doesn’t puke all over BJ campus!
Aw, Gwen. (((hugs))) Thanks. I think on some level we all bear that burden of being unable to reach out beyond our own fears. It was too hard to make sure that you were obeying all the rules and loving God in all the proscribed ways to try and begin to be aware of the pain and fear in others. I know I was guilty of that myself once I “got fixed.”
It is so amazing to see the patience and love and grace of God in drawing us out of that system of fear and guilt and shame and into real, honest, and open community with God and each other. Peace, friend!
Rachel, your clarity and truth is refreshing. You are wise beyond your years and a shining light of God’s love. Keep telling this story of hope. Love to you.
Thanks for sharing your light Rachel!